Wednesday, December 10, 2008


deception 3

echo nights


incredible crisis

psychic detective

silhouette mirage

herzog zwei



1. intro *

2. thank you (ripening) *

3. eating a heart *

4. cataclysmic failure *

5. more organs means more human *

(total time: around 15mins)


1. angel's egg *

2. cult *

3. madame curie *

4. book of loneliness

5. (universe book) - with narration about the universe book

in days of ultra bass boost

and incredible surround

i yearn for tinny car-stereo sound

* = recorded

digital landscapes

There is very little concept of past history in cyberspace. The closest we have gotten to retaining any kind of previous activity is The Internet Archive and that's only for websites. It serves as a static library for data posted to the web in the past. In social realms, however, there is no way to record a user's presence or leave traces behind aside from in the memories of the fellow players. A friend of mine on a MOO I frequent decided to leave entirely. He left a message of farewell, gave me his email, and that was it. I've been meaning to email him, but I lost all the data on my drive recently and I can't think of anywhere it might be lying around. Anyyway, after a few months his character's 'body' hit staledate and the Reaper came around to sweep him away. I made sure to sign up as caretaker of his creations. Aside from the few assorted objects he left behind, there isn't a trace of him on that server. A few people remember him I'm sure, but memories are short, especially online.

Last night I was thinking of various methods of retaining memory within a virtual landscape. As online locales become more dynamic, the concept of allowing change to a landscape must be confronted. The feasable changes to a landscape without disfiguring it beyond recognition depend on the medium, but places needto change as the people who use them change. Eventually, if these possibilities are opened up, it could get to the point where development is out of control as it is here in the real world and the place I first met a good friend
becomes demolished. Then there's the issue of vandalism, terrorism..

The more virtual reality looks like reality, the more the problems we face converge. But I'm getting off-topic. In the text-based systems that have been used the past twenty years, there has been little option to leave anything behind. In MOOs it is possible to create rooms and objects, but these are assigned to the character themself and are therefore unreliable. There are very rarely any written histories of online locales. One of the most significant works in this regard is Indra Sinha's The Cybergypsies

mention IF baubles?\\\



laugh about it, they got pwned

"they're gonna get raped"

the person is an image, limited context

combat is the only discourse in mmos
violence is the means of communication

virtual world morality != real world morality

the basis of the virtual mmmo is a suspension of real world morality

bringing in outside morality is insane

INSANE: take game morality to the real world, pwn some little kid
INSANE: bring real life into the video game


“have you seen bo's halo?”
“well, only those who are pure of heart can see it”
“i've known him for 3 years now so maybe i'll see it someday”

“he shows it best when he's playing the guitar or the synthesizer or the CD, he's good at playing the cd”


january: pleasantries that are difficult to find on the internet.

february: luckily, i learned to live without it.

march: Even the live show seems to be getting noisier.

april: it's not so bad actually, but i keep having these weird dreams about talking to people online, people with faces but no eyes, people with voices but no bodies.

may: It's Afropop

june: I went out on a walk and admired the floating dandelion seedlings.

july: this is the summer of not selling things.

August: Ever since last night my mind has been registering sound/music differently..

September: Sometimes I feel like my t-shirt is attacking my skin.
october: it was the most nonrational i've ever been.
november: it has been a good month.

when i was the most miserable i had a dream in which i was wandering around a party. everyone at the party was very different but they all acknowledged that they were "actors". i met this dude who was a combination of a character from "the waking life" which is a movie about dreaming and the lead singer of this band "need new body" who plays a banjo and looks like a mountain man.


i am writing independently an article on musicians' relationships with information technology. if you would like to be interviewed, would you prefer e mail or phone or something else?

rumors of anti-technology.. "i have read articles that cite you as 'anti-technology'. how do you feel about these assertions?"

it seems implicit in the music - where did these rumors come from?

they do not cite a particular source. is it just assumed?

"the evil of the mundane" from interview

what disturbs you most about the recent developments and trends in technology?

i read that you are not a fan of myspace.

do you know of any musicians, noise or not, who share a similar perspective on emergent technologies

have you sustained any serious physical harm over the course of your performing career? ear damage?

struggle with

I want to find out approaches to music outside myspace,

existing cultures outside mass communication. do these exist? if so, how do they operate?

AESTHETICS in noise music - relationship between noise and marginalization. that which is marginalized by information technology.




freeware games:

meditate every day
email guy
make computer game
dating sim based around yes dating but fucked up with characters from my dreams
revolutionary electronci muisc (HUMANN)
write about pretentio experience

review: skeletons - life and the afterbirth
hood - new album

guide to controling your interactions over the internet

smashing against ocd to break it down, smashing system getting out of hand

free ourselves from oppressive culture w/ revolutionary noise
chaos eventulaly becomes boring (p shark)

ask alex to help design our sound

building structure from the roots up.

the need for structure
drawn to structured people


aristotle's categories

"Andy Wu, I expect more from you."

hypercompressed video for dating sim

professor emeritis.



sleater kinney
high rise
the silver jewsssssss
twine vinyl
do make say think
gil mantera's party dream\
cocuteau twins
the jesus lizard
reaching quiet
the ex
ninetynine - 767

batman protecting this great cat family.. from enemies, comic book style
kinda dark night style..very dark
running around the zoo
national zoo
we were in captivity
lots of little ones



5:00 *

6:50 *

7:30 *







27:00 the end

who would steal only one shoe?

drug rehabilitation for social security

spring fling playlist:

last: everbody had a hard year (marz)
what it is without the hand tha twields it (telefon tel aviv)

write about the old french lady

the lives we live in secret places the undernourished

flash applet turn all images to certain height/width

Human capital and growth under political uncertainty Abstract


This was very meditative to draw. I scanned it in and did some digital modification. The original picture is from a "beauty" magazine. I suppose this piece counts as "commentary on the original work" so it is covered under fair use copyright law.


I was bored of Dreamweaver. The Sailor Moon icons probably aren't covered under fair use. Oh well.


Made with LOGO Microworlds on May 24, 2006


- msgboard
- integrate blog
- fix links
- directory infrastructure fix
- bookmarks directory
- integrate comics and other functions
- put up info about me
- make sure everything is linked together, a web.
- homepage, lotsa stuff
- upgrade nav

1. Another way out
2. Choke
3. Hip hop song
4. Liza and Louise
5. My only Light
6. The World has turned And left me here
7. Pop
8. New one.
9. Saccharine
10. Bland Alt.*.swf *=#

Hercules GameTheater XP

"CDs containing thousands of journal entries chronicling the reoccurring realization that yesterday I was an idiot."

the swat team blew up the house near by. blowing out all the windows.. i can't really think of anything to say, only that i'm tired and i have a bad feeling.


i tried to figure out what visual technique would express the deadening feeling i get when i overexpose myself to media. first i realized that existenz and lain had done this and done it very well already. then i realized i wanted nothing to do with producing such a work. i got the feeling that it would only frustrate me further to produce anything as a moralistic message against the internet. the rush to my brain

my attacks on the internet were an interesting experiment but the internet as a play space has become suffocating. it is no longer fun. i feel like i need to lie down when i get off the computer.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Contrast Magazine: Mechabuddha printed, Character Migration printed 2007

Openned: Cybertorture 1 & 2 online, Decentralized online (TEMPORARY)

Burrow Magazine: Infinite Embodiment submitted, CANCEL/REJECTED theory cloud 1 / interpersonal poem online. other texts "how to destroy" on line.

HAPPY Magazine: Deathtripping REJECTED

Poetry Magazsine: Song for Lung Leg, Being/Machine, Creation REJECTED

To submit:
we had just left the house when we heard a sound that resembled a bird chirping excitedly.
i thought a bird was chirping but it was a rabbit screaming

"oh, jesus"
somewhere between annoyance and fear

the abacus accountant

meticulously clean tea shop in chinatown w/ stainless steel containers lining the walls labeled individually "iron goddess"

gives advice, old man in the back using an abacus without looking at superspeed

For the past decade, game developers have assumed that video gamers are less involved in the game-playing process than gamers who use their personal computers to play games. According to accepted thought of the Eighties and Nineties, computer gamers do not need to be reminded to save their data at certain intervals because they keep tabs on their position in the game and the well-being of their character, in contrast to the more casual gamer. These assumptions are changing; the hardware specifications for video game and personal computer systems are converging and the perceived personality of the 'average' video gamer is significantly more involved than in the early days of gaming.

The save point is a phenomenon found in video games as they become long and more complex. In the vast worlds new video game machines can simulate, the player needs a sense of continuity in order to find find their way through these landscapes and make sense of the story. Saving was first introduced when game manufacturers started putting save batteries inside the cartridge. Nowadays, portable chips, separate from the game media or small hard drives integrated into the gaming system are used to save the player's data.

When the game developer wants to provide the option to save, they may ask the player directly in a dialogue box whether they would like to save their data or place a visual landmark in the game world that can be activated. When the player touches the save icon or somehow otherwise activates it, the save point asks the player if e would like to save eir game. As the game data (location of player, player's stats, percentage of game completed) is written to the save file, a progress bar or some other indicator is displayed.

Game developers have experimented with the nature of the save point over the years. Save points are no longer simply a place to save the player's progress; they serve as a break or breathing point point for the player as well. Often, the player will run into a save point just after an important event or just before a challenge. Their health is refilled and they are given a chance to regroup before facing further adversity.

In addition to serving as a pause in the story line, developers use save points as emotional landmarks. Telling a story in a free-flowing medium with non-linear elements requires the developer to create a balance between player-freedom and linear storytelling. In order to maintain this balance, the developers have to take into consideration the player's desire for freedom of exploration in addition to the inherent need for structure and predictability. The save point ties the game together into a playable whole. It is an icon for a safe harbor of familiarity, a resting place and a possible ending point for a playing session.

An example of intuitive save point design is present in the game Castlevania: Symphony of the Night for Playstation. The game is set inside a vast castle that reveals its complexity as the player makes eir way through its halls of the undead. In this game, save points are represented by a room that the player enters. It is immediately evident that certain rooms are save points; the recognizeable design and a distinct lack of musical accompaniment sets it off from the rest of the castle. The only sound or movement is a heart beating in the center of the room.

In games like Castlevania, the save point is often the only place where confrontation with the enemy can be avoided. Whether a game is focused on destroying the enemy as in Castlevania or protecting yourself from the enemy, it is important to allow the player to rest and experience tranquility within a bubble of safety, even if that safety is bound to end. The tension between Self and the Other drives people hold interest in games and their heroes and heroines. The peacefulness and freedom from the constant assault of life's adversities that save points allow is an other-worldly gift that does not exist in modern every-day life.

The game Ico for PS2 puts the player into the position of a twelve year-old boy accompanied by a mysterious princess whose powers control aspects of the castle. The two of them are trying to escape a castle filled with shadow-demons intent on stealing your the princess away to the unknown.It's a typical Japanese set-up in which the female heroine is the source of good sense and intelligence and the male is foolish but well-meaning. Despite these traditional and out-dated character types, the game is extremely well designed. In one of the best save point design decisions in history, the save menu is the only area of the game that includes music. This minimalist approach creates strong emotional cues; in order to save, the player must sit down on a 'save couch' and invite the princess to sit with er. Once both of them are sitting, an overlay screen appears, asking the player if eir would like to save. The music contrasts the spacious silence of the castle with its simple melody and tender warmth. When the player next loads eir game, the two characters re-appear where they were left, their heads resting against one-another, asleep.


Ceiling and I sat and talked on the curb like we used to every night. She is often the first to hear my new ideas. I open up to her because she is the most writerly non-writer I know. I hope that one day I will be able to return the favor she has done for me and pushher in the direction of writing.

The jittery ideas became solid as I prepared my explanation. "I think I'm gonna write out the past two years of my life and then link 'em together, like a web. When I became a heavy Internet user, the spaces between memorable moments became bigger. Moments of distinct weight and relevance became displaced by the goo of unwritten memories and jiggled around by all the unsorted raw materials surrounding them.

I need to connect them together now. end the agony of distjointed recall

She returned with an example we both witnessed"So it's like when you and me and Floor were walking down the path by North Bethesda and I said 'I'm always afraid I'll get raped by some homeless person on this path' and then one of us said 'It must be horrible to be raped by a hobo" and then I said 'I wonder if there's HOBO PORN?' and then we went online at Alex's and looked it up.

Because we could. I hid in the next room, trying to lose myself in a book, failing (their voices carried through the double-doors)

"Yes, it's like that" I said. "And see, you made a link just now from our conversation to that moment"

"It's not completely non-linear, it's just that the jumps we can make are so much wider than they used to be. We can jump in so many different directions at once that it is rare to fully be in one place.

I'm trying to gather myself somehow using the tools that disassembled myself.

"Yeah, I'll use this as my psychology experiment, INSIDE THE MIND OF ROSS"

And I think it's right that she's at the beginning of this book because she started to help me in this process and there is no end to this process.


Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:13:08 PM EDT [EdE] BETRAYED!
Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:13:21 PM EDT oh godoness
Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:13:24 PM EDT here is the internet man
Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:13:51 PM EDT [EdE] i am totally decentralized.
Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:14:10 PM EDT we get signal
Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:14:23 PM EDT i made an art thing about decentralization
Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:14:35 PM EDT [EdE] my screen turn on
Wed 27 Sep 2006 11:14:35 PM EDT [EdE] main screen

dream 8/30/05:

i was at ned's house, we were discussing the feeling that sometimes it feels like vigilante tactics are the only way to express the frustraiton witih a situation. he was like "yeah, we've got college educations, it's even easier to tell how messed up things are." he was playing a computer game where you worked for an environmental agency and you blew up corporations with highly powerful weapons. i went into a room with his cats alone, walking around with them brushing by my legs and i realized that even if the world is completely messed up that doesn't mean i can't enjoy it so i decided to turn off my consciousness. i then walked around his house as part of the dream. (purely unconscious without unconscious, part of the unconscious landscape)


Jules is 20 years old and has been struggling with NPD since the onset of adolescence. Being raised in an isolated private school allowed him to flourish academically but his social interaction was severely limited. His peers noted that he had "no real friends to speak of" during this time and only socialized with his classmates when it directly benefited his obsessively-constructed self-image. Jules' high school career consisted mainly of ensuring that he was always on top academically and that people recognized his intellectual worth above all others. He went into an aggressive fervor upon not being accepted at Harvard, the only school he was at all interested in going to. Insistent on "being with his people", he expressed outrage to the University and sent them hundreds of letters expressing his disdain for their decision and doubt at the quality of the Admission's office. The majority of his time was spent locked in his room writing letters rather than pursuing more reasonable goals.

Poring over several dictionaries, he looked up impressive words or created his own in order to intimidate the University. It took some effort, but his parents finally managed to get him out of his room to apply late to a few other schools so that he might have somewhere to go when September rolled around. Jules' parents hoped that their son might get over his unreasonable, festering hatred for Harvard if he put his mind to something else. He did, but after enrolling in one of the second choices his parents suggested to him, he wallowed in his own despair. Instead of doing his classwork, Jules threatened his room mate so that he would get him some food from the cafeteria while he worked on his "masterpiece". Jules had set himself to writing the "Great American Novel" when he received no reply from Harvard. The novel was a mostly-direct documentation of his own life up to that point, with the details spruced up quite a bit. Soon enough Jules rose out of his depression and found himself in a manic fit. For 'inspiration', he decided to take some of his room mate's psychedelic drugs. His room mate was quite upset to find his stash missing and when he decided to find someone new to live with, Jules displayed no worries about losing the only person close to him; he stated simply that "He was a stupid stoner anyway."

According to the people who met Jules or had to deal with him on an everyday basis, he seemed like a good person but quickly disallowed himself from contact by being his usual haughty self or deliberately trying to bring down anyone he had reason to envy. Even people who approached him amicably were shooed away by the walls of his self-made world; a wold in which everyone is either for him or against him and his grandiose pursuits. Jules would often go off on tangents in class or amongst peers about his experiences with "The System" that prevented him from fulfilling his talents. At all times, he protected his fragile self with the loftiness of his goals and a perceived immunity from his isolation. Each and every thing he said came out as a plea for admiration, and people pitied him, but no one wanted to risk getting near to him or else he might harm them.

Jules' parents were not aware that their holding him up to standards from a young age that may have been unreasonable could harm their son's development as an individual. From an early age, Jules felt threatened by failure or an inability to "be the best". As an only child, a lot of effort was put into Jules, primarily as an academe. His isolated childhood in a wealthy, intellectual family led him to develop well in school but his growth as a self-sufficient unit was stunted. Jules' relationship with his parents, especially with his father, was strained by his father's use of corporal punishment. This was worsened when he was sent to boarding school at a young age and suffered from the estrangement from his parents. Inhibited by his family troubles, Jules tried to fit everyone he met into a threatening mold he held in his mind.

"...object relations are partial and they typically alternate between "all good" and "all bad" perception of one's self and of the external world." (dynamic)

"When children inhibit their capacity to mentalize, they "lose" the ability to relate to others in a mutual, interactive manner. Instead, their behavior becomes coercive,, and aims at evoking stereotypical responses from others that fit children's expectations." (brown)

"As already mentioned, the real self of the narcissistic personality "hides" in the inner world. The term "real self" refers to the rudimentary self-structure that remained after the failure of the consolidation of the mature self and after the formation of the grandiose self." (dynamic)

" These children are seriously compromised in accomplishing the developmental task of acquiring a relatively stable self-esteem (Bleiberg, 1984) and, though they may appear haughty and self-assured, are prone to feeling like worthless failures. Children who experience such narcissistic dysregulation often exhibit extremely rigid coping mechanisms that involve reliance on an omnipotent sense of self, refusal to acknowledge personal failures, projection of disowned self-experiences onto others, and demands for affirmation of their power (Bleiberg, 1994, p. 38)." (self and other)

We believe that frequent meetings with a therapist and proper diagnosis would be the healthiest choice for Jules. Seeking help online seems to be a very popular choice amongst people diagnosed or self-diagnosed with NPD, but unfortunately there are many wolves out there willing to manipulate people under the guise of healing. Sam Vaknin has developed a cult following with his book and Internet healing 'movement'. He may be stricken by NPD, but he has not sought professional help and instead plays games with people through his cultish establishment online.

Therapy would help Jules nurture a healthy sense of self and abandon the preconceived notions he has of others. Group sessions may be helpful sometime in the future, but Jules' condition prevents him from accepting help from anyone. Deconstructing the overbearing Narcissistic personality that grips Jules will take some time, but fortunately his parents can afford extended therapy. With outside help, Jules may be able to develop a stable, mature personality that would eliminate his need for a narcissistic, artificial self.

avoid drug abuse

In the long run, Jules might be able to free himself from the shackles of the NPD-dominated "section" of his personality; "As many authors have shown (e.g., Kernberg,[3] Masterson,[4] Svrakic,[5] Siomopoulos[6]) the narcissistic disorder is characterized by the "two-leveled" personality organization. On the first (superficial and manifest) level, the grandiose self, a pathological and uniquely narcissistic intrapsychic structure, dominates. On the second (deeper and split-off) level, the real self of the narcissistic personality exists." (dynamic)

possible bipolar/borderline diagnosis


ned's flyer

what kind of college student writes but doesn't do drugs

**colorful zodiac death**\\
flying in formation through the gluttonous beats of zodiac signs and encoded messages that uniformed men send into my room from the roof. they paint these signs onto the roof with blue paint and i look at them when i wake up during the night and i cannot sleep. these men are paralyzed but something has compelled them to make them into slaves for the psychadelic construction crew that rules this campus. they built a building in front of the sunset so they could tape it every evening and laugh mercilessly as I look out of my window in the hopes of catching a glimpse.

akira notes

youth is suppressed

lights + media oversaturated - consumerism

cops & authority

"don't call me 'old man'!" separation between generations

science unable to control psychic power

constant social instability

corrupt government

religious demonstrators

power reversal created between tetsuo and kaneda

transitionary/the transcendence of adolescence

shared memory & dna imagery

breaking the bonds of physicality by destroying samples of akira- what look like brain stem

destruction of development - buildings, material possessions

human as conduit for 'god power'

personal apocalypse turned external

Everything Else MAKES NO SENSE!

Colonial Period:

Works were written primarily for mass-appeal, focusing on more commonly known subjects such as history and theology. The literary scene became more diverse when African-American writers were accepted into the mix. (Benjamin Franklin)

Revolutionary Age
New social and political thought was introduced during this era. Ideas were only just beginning to solidify and propositions were being bandied around in the written word. I am familiar with all of these writers (Thomas Jefferson, James Madison) and some of their works, excluding the poets.

Early National Period
An American style of literary expression began to solidify as genres were established. Uniquely American works were created during this shift away from British . The stories of slaves were written by freed and escaped slaves. (Edgar Allan Poe, Frederick Douglas)


its time to pay tribute to the dead in the only way we know how... via capitalistic exchange and kitschy t shirts. causes stop in busy nightclub on visit. [01-Jun-2006 13:28:30] PHP Warning: Zend Optimizer does not support this version of PHP - please upgrade to the latest version of Zend Optimizer in Unknown on line 0
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middle school

The best help I ever got with anything was this kid in my middle school gym class. He was totally uncool by "standards" and he couldn't run the mile without breaking down into a mucusy mess but he knew HTML very very well. I showed him this website I made and I asked h im what he thought and he said "I'll be honest: It sucks." in that lispy voice of his and I knew he was right! It had freaky eyeballs and DOOM monsters and everything. So, his input has probably changed the way I do websites ever since not with annoying .gifs.

Monday, December 8, 2008

what i learned in college.

to interpret this image in a metaphorical analytical sense, let us break it down into sub-species image-links

in this context, the black dog represents DEATH while John Cusack represents TEEN HEARTTHROB.

the forest represents HUMAN GENITALIA while Diane Lane represents HUMAN DESIRE, as you can tell by her head slightly tilted.

Cusack's RECEDING HAIRLINE also speaks of the oddity of AGE

the image can be viewed in a left-to-right reading: DESIRE, DEATH, AGE

thus this movie is obviously a comedy. of the romantic sort.

reli gi ion

One thing I've enjoyed is spending time with Alex again..We had an excellent conversation the other night about life that really changed the way I look at things while still remaining flexible. I create my own Agnostic path, using parts of different religions and looking at things differently each day. However, in addition to this style, there was a different part, a feeling of helplessness to the world changing. I obsess and give in to compulsiveness because I want a world that makes sense, and creating one in my own head provides a quick 'fix' to a world that doesn't seem to make any sense and changes without any meaning. Creating rules to adhere to is exhausting and painful. As I was speaking to A, while he told me about different ways of looking at the world that were just as flexible while providing *some* sort of foundation, I realized that my way is not only flexible but is painful for me because of its instability. He explained that in a way of looking in the world that has some foundation, some predictability and rules, actually may provide more room for emotion and creativity because it doesn't make you feel psychotic or helpless against the world, pit against a world that does not understand and changes constantly.

So, I have not 'switched' completely, becuase that's not how I work, but I definitely see the advantages of finding some basic order of things..not in a Religious way, but like how the Big Bang started things off and now we are in a heavily abstracted era from that initial creative burst, but the world still adheres to certain rules, which is why we can have language and music, that deep structure that we are a part of. I think of the musical instrument as aperfect example of this; there are a limited number of frets and strings, but the permutations allowed are limitless within these limitations..So the limitations are actually helpful. I could die at any moment, and I will die someday, but the key is to be aware of this and then live life to its fullest rather than live in fear of a world that doesn't seem to adhere to any rules at all. It is possible to embrace limitless possibilities without living in fear of them. The way I've lived, like I'm floating in space with no control over anything, creating my own control inside my own mind that could change based on temporary emotional states, creating my own 'Universe' with its own rules, I may always live like this to an extent because of the way I'm wired but to move away from being restricted by those rules and those impulses and compulsions is great. So what Alex told me about was not completely new to me, it's something that I've been moving towards on my own, he just put it into words very well. And of course I still disagree with him on certain issues, but hey, we're


Dunno! I just keep developing a stronger structure of honesty/self-love/other-love as time goes on. I've met a few people but circumstances have prevented so far. I guess I'm cautious about getting into a relationship... I don't wanto to let that cautiousness prevent anything, though. I'm gradually breaking down my insecurities and getting to know people of the opposite sex from around here, which is always nice.

It's frustrating to know that I have so much to offer and I share it as much as possible but I feel like my horizons could be expanded like 10,000 times if I were able to experience the closeness of a relationship. I try to approach people as much as possible but it seems like people aren't comfortable approaching me, if only I could somehow communicate that if they approach me with little pretense or justification or whatever, it doesn't matter, it takes so so little for me to be open with someone. I'd have to agree with Morrissey, though: HOW SOON IS NOW?

Their reply was:

Jeez, Ross, a simple "I have bad breath and tend to wank openly in the public library" would have sufficed.

i wish i were you

> 01. About 3-4 years. 02. I used to use Livejournal to occasionally post
> stuff, but I've abandoned that. I now use my personal website,
> to post. It feels more like "home". 03. I usually write
> it out on paper first. Not as a drafting process exactly, I just jot down
> ideas or full sentences or whatever comes out. When I type it up into my
> blog I flesh things out and edit, it can take up to about 30 minutes. 04.
> Yeah. 05. No, I am totally off-the-wall in my email, I capitalize
> "properly" one moment and the next I'll be all lowercase, I shift voices,
> doesn't matter. 06. I really look forward to interaction sooo...very
> quickly. 07. I'd say it's the same voice, or atleast similar, just more
> refined and clear. When I write emails I take into consideration who I am
> writing to and how I can phrase things that will make sense to them
> specifically. When I am writing a blog entry I have to make it as clear
> as possible in order to get my point across. 08. Creative writing,
> rambling. 09. Definitely..Email allows for more spontinaety than letter
> writing, hence my haphazard, willy-nilly style. In letter writing,
> there's a lot more flow, which is nice sometimes but in email I can just
> bang it out. For me personally, I prefer email because I've never had
> very good handwriting and I have trouble forming letters when I am
> getting really creative. My blog is more like an email to whoever may be
> listening, with a little more editing out of courtesy. 10. I've always
> been better at communicating in non-real-time environments, so anything
> that involves writing gemerally exposes a different side of me than
> verbal communication. 11. Do: 1) backup your data 2) be considerate of
> friends and family whose personal identity/information/whatever you might
> risk exposing by writing about them 3) have fun. there's no point
> otherwise.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

reading the past with a strange device

the present. just spilled yogurt on my pants. must do laundry.

brain keys

"let us use each other as keys to encrypt each other's mindso in order to access my brain they will need yours"

Subject: You're A Homosexual.

Date: Sun, 24 Jul 2005 00:03:04 -0400

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Fire! Fire! Fire! Cunt!


Friday, December 5, 2008

O ye LOVED ONES who think YE are WORTH less




well mom let me tell you you ain't worth less no way no how.

this world of people who blog the future betrayed you and you know it. i call it preemptive blogging, and it basically involves stating the obvious in a futuristic way - that's what we call the singularity, mom.

don't let it get you down mom!



here's the truth

the real reason i started this blog is cos i love to look at myself in the mirror.


mandy gives you a yellow ghost flower

interested in creative/innovative approaches to information science. a thinker, very active. is interested in the science aspect and technically adept

(09:25:07 PM) r: man
(09:25:11 PM) r: i really don't want to read kate chopin
(09:25:37 PM) r: i can't say that she's worse than toni morrison
(09:25:43 PM) r: but she fucking blows. at least, what i've read of hers, blows.
(09:26:36 PM) r: I want to take a dump on her face.
(09:39:55 PM) E: That won't stop her.
(09:40:03 PM) E: Those bad writers are like hurricanes of shit.
(09:40:14 PM) E: Shittycanes swirling around with the force of pure awful writing.
(09:43:07 PM) E: Gotta bolt man.
(09:43:16 PM) E: Need to drive an hour to drop off library books to avoid further fines.
(09:43:17 PM) E: Lame.
(09:43:19 PM) E: Peace

in a culture of rote memorization, quotation marks are unnecessary

10/8/2008 - E had a horrifying experience. BETRAYED was established.

10/12/2008 - First issue of BETRAYED! sent to 44 members. Thank you members.

10/17/2008 - Second issue of BETRAYED! sent to almost 70 members. BOO YEAH.

10/24/2008 - 3rd issue of BETRAYED! sent to 70+ members.

The Band

The Band

Portable Shark consists of three people (in no particular order):

  • G on drums
  • R on bass
  • p on guitar

So far we are primarily a live band. We create ambient soundscapes. The music could be described as experimental, since we don't know entirely what is going to happen when we go into a performance. We are based in the terminally unhip suburbs. The music is moving, changing and improvisational.


Portable Shark is only available to play during the Winter and Summer but you can reach us pretty much any time through our email.

(20:27:55) r: haaha
(21:08:07) p: o had a skill injection today
(21:08:29) r: sahweet
(21:08:34) r: he's setting up a band thing
(21:08:42) p: i know!
(21:08:50) p: im given him tips
(21:09:28) p: like make friends with record execs
(21:11:30) p: i dont care how hyperreal it is... msnbcs home page looks sweet right now

experimental music

Experimental music is a process, not a style. It can be compared to the scientific process used to probe the possibilities for solving a problem. Experimental music sets its goal far in the distance, if it has any goal at all. The primary goal is to keep the experiment alive and moving by playing music with no considerations other than the moment. Musical methods may be changed or improved upon as the nature of the moment or the perceived distant goal becomes more evident. Different styles or instruments may be adopted or abandoned at the drop of a hat. There can be any number of reasons for this, but most importantly excessive thought or pausing is avoided. All that rises eventually converges and then separates again into its original components. An open mindset and love for music as a form of communication helps open up the unlimited possibilities that experimental music allows, but all music, no matter how practiced it is, is experimental to some degree. The process behind experimental music can be successfully applied to all aspects of life.

so this is all college

all college stuff..well mostly..some stuff maybe post-college by a few months.

sometimes i think a bout how

well it's not really that embarassing. i just used too many big words and took myself too seriously.

The Sea Scouts' album 'Beacon of Hope' is a culmination of the effort spent by the distinctly Australian youth of Hobart, Tasmania. The band consists of a steady bassist and guitarist, with a rotating drummer. Although the band itself is small, it embodies an accompanying intellectual, emotional and social movement. Its surging, tribal rhythm washes away any fear or misgivings, smothering panic with a deep, distorted embrace. The vocals are very low in the mix and are mostly unintelligible but the bassist's and guitarist's dual vocal efforts pierce through the thick sound. The Australian trio's raw feeling revitalizes the punk rock aesthetic as a very local, communal entity. The music entices a much wider array of thought and emotion than traditional punk rock. Instead of recoiling in anger and fear from the horrifying, bleak sides of life, they protect what they value and love about humanity despite the darker aspects of our existence. There is an urgent anti-establishment tone to their music; one of their early songs was titled 'Destroy Your Local McDonald's'. However, their music developed into a more subtle art over the years. Their songs develop from improvisation rather than structures or classical rules. Despite this bent, the resulting music not only attacks materialism and globalization but it presents the band's unique sense of beauty, no matter how frail and damaged by modern life it may be.

Starting from a bare-bones creative ability and vision has its drawbacks, but the Sea Scouts proved sufficiently determined to express themselves and their perspective. They hailed from a part of the world where the Winter was a strong force in their lives, and it doesn't let up until it is done. In this isolation, the youth community built their own nest to shelter themselves from the cold and the creative languor of society as a whole. Without anyone to define what is 'correct' in music, they set out to create their own sonic landscape. The Sea Scouts started out very raw, but as they progressed their sound took shape into something much more touching.

Rhythm and texture came naturally to the Sea Scouts. The band was a three-piece, so there was no room for anything but the occasional accompaniment. Their sound was minimal but envelops a huge spectrum of emotion. Self-described as primarily a live band, the impact of a small-concert setting with these three can only be imagined. The songs rise and fall, ignoring conventions for the most part. This can be a little hard to follow at first for people who are accustomed to verse-chorus-verse structures, but anyone who opens themselves up to the music will get something out of it. The Sea Scouts may have been isolated geographically but their musical ideals encompass all of humanity.

(here's where I wander off a little bit: I think this is very important but I need to work on it more before it really makes sense.)

As the band is further revealed, contradictions arise. The Sea Scouts are very adamant about not setting up boundaries and are brutally honest through their music, but they also show feelings of fear and isolation from others. They use imagery of the Aboriginies, who in their artistic interpretations look almost like aliens, to express their feelings of separation from society as a whole. These seemingly contradictory messages are a key to their perspective, or that of anyone who has ever felt alienZ´Sø1flr=oÛL‰_†BlÏBíòG†'vï^t"@ãAYÀ”ÑgPmåap¥2k¬≤y¿p¢®*ø„È;?÷Xf†)(∆ÙI≈—YÌXm6≈‡Æ´Ë¿&ìY£)—M&‹Råù˜

wires and genitals

the year i wanted to be a girl

Creating Gender-Autonomous Space

Taking part in the “Global Gender Revolution,” as Shannon calls it, is an exciting idea but presently the current paradigm shows little sign of collapsing. With this in mind, what becomes of most concern is relating to other human beings in the now. By creating web pages, people who identify with genderqueer can practice building safe spaces for expressing themselves unfettered by dominant ideas. The webpage is a system that can be constructed from the ground-up. Instead of being limited by gender assumptions made based on sex people can be as androgynous as they please, molding the amorphous communicative potential of the Internet to their will.

While most sites present a “contact” link with no commentary, both Zenn and Shannon ask the user within main bodies of text to email them if they can relate to genderqueer issues and would like to talk about it. After describing eir isolation from people who identify as genderqueer, Shannon expresses a strong interest in feedback; “If you identify as genderqueer, I would so much love to hear about your identity and experiences. I am yearning to hear from others like me. Please drop me a line... I would be eternally grateful to hear how this is all working out for you!”

Physical reality can be an exhausting place to create subversive or alternative spaces. People who do not “fit in” are forced to either become completely alienated from society or find an alternate medium for communication. The websites I looked at were designed as personal havens as well as beacons for other isolated and alienated people.

5 YRS OF SOUL balanced diet

my teacher laughed when i said "experimental music"

like lab coats or something

local ghosts
the pomo method, down-up working with small granules instead of the modernist top-down have your thesis 100% solid before writing is extremely work intensive. even 5 page papers take a long while to complete in that style, but the result has always been worth it. plus, i don't have the organizational capacity to go modernist.

i have a lot of quotations, some of which i haven't entered into the document yet. these serve as memory-triggers...sometimes i find myself not giving my own voice enough of a chance, though. it's a balance. i feel like the first two sections are beginning to solidify. i have quotes set up for the next sections that aren't put in yet, i have almost too much raw material! i think i have even enough to skip "part 2" for this paper and just go 30 pages of "part 1." i dunno..we'll talk.


1. world song

no one is out to get you
the world will never end
we live on a great planet
cast away your fears
the time is now

i dig the "tales of an atheist schoolgirl." it's good to see more writerly types doing comics. i had to think for a bit about why i'm attracted to doing comics when i'm generally attracted to words rather than visuals...i think it's because at this age it's tough to gather the discipline to write every day. i'm very scatterbrained and doing 20,000 projects at once.. i hope that as i get older i'll get better at sitting down each day and working consistently on writing projects. for now i'm pretty happy doing weird-ass adventures all across the map.

you might like this intelligent/stupid comic i've started up using samples of this other dude's work:

i have other stuff in the works comics-wise but this is the only one i've put up because it's pretty much stream-of-consciousness ;)

take care,
Music, the brain, and ecstasy : how music captures our imagination
Jourdain, Robert

Color codes : modern theories of color in philosophy, painting and architecture, literature, music and psychology
Riley, Charles A

Music and the mind

Keep 615.85154 GAY 1999
Sounds of healing : a physician reveals the therapeutic power of sound, voice, and music
Gaynor, Mitchell L., 1956-

Keep 780.1 ROT 1995
Emblems of mind : the inner life of music and mathematics
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I am writing this arTCIle in exchange for a granola bar. Thanks to Harry for the granola bar. It was good. It is also the only nourishment I have ever received in exchange for writing. I am very excited about this step up in the world. It's gonna be hard work to break out of the “starving artist” career path into the “moderately well fed but still without health care artist” career path.


by Ross

JULY 2016


I managed to catch J, a former TCI camper, a few minutes before his band's show at the Warehouse Next Door on 7th Street. On stage he's still a furious hurricane of emotion and frustration but off stage he's managed to relax a bit. We first met back at TCI when he swaggered up to me and demanded to leave the makeshift dining area (read: gym) for no legitimate reason. He then accused me of being a “fake counselor” and tried to push through to the outside. Now, 10 years later, he's heading DC's most chaoTCI, ritualisTCI, tribal and outright rocking punk band, “I LOVE HELL.”

Here's a transcript of our conversation outside the club.

R: “It seems like punk music is a good fit for you. What drew you to it?”

J: “It was mostly that I was bored during high school and wasn't learning anything so I stopped doing my homework and started making tons of noise. I had to do it, there was no choice involved.”

R: “What parts of your background have influenced you most in the past few years?”

J: “TCI for one. I wasn't all that focused during my time there but being there definitely helped instill a kind of DIY ethic that I now apply to my music. I can thank TCI for my increasing deafness and the ringing in my ears, among other things.”

R: “Other things?”

J: “Well, I 'cheesed' me in the head and gave me a bloody nose at the last show while she was playing guitar.”

R: “Ow. When did she join up?”

J: “She and A were the first to join the band. They have this really weird sound going on, I turns the bass up all the way on the guitar so it sounds kind of like an electric cello or something and creates these low-to-mid-range tones that really mess with people's heads.”

R: “How do you feel about DC bands these days?”

J: “They suck. Well, not all of them. There's a few, like “Old Man Mckaye” and “Sun Fiber” that are pretty good. The rest lack ass, though.

R: “Ass? Like, booty-shaking ass?”

J: “Hmm.. Well, there's a difference between “booty” and “ass.” Booty is primarily associated with the low-frequency vibe that gets people moving, which is great, but as we've found with most over-produced modern music, booty alone is not sufficient for powerful music. The 'ass factor,' as I like to call it, cannot be easily replicated by a producer. Booty can be digitally injected into a song but the ass- the physical tension and release of music comparable to the rectum during defecation- cannot be synthesized.”

R: “I see. So most music these days is severely lacking in ass.”

J: “Yes. You could say that.”

At this point in the tape, J and I stepped into a corner store to get water. We plonked down $12 for 2 bottles. As J finished up his drink I asked him about the newest member of the band, S.

J: “A and I are great. There's no one in DC that plays harder than them but it was beginning to get a little stale with just us. S's interesting not only because is she a brutal bass player but she also has this kind of hypnoTCI drone sound that complement's I's noisy freakouts really well.”

R: “Do you plan on going into the studio any time soon?”

J: “I'm a little worried about that. I tend to get a little stir crazy at times and the studio is a scary, claustrophobic and time-bending place. I'd like to think we could just hop in there and hammer out an album or something but I know it'll turn into some kind of huge debacle. That's how it always is with us. I don't want the whole band thing to explode in our faces but at the same time that's kind of what makes it interesting for me, the conflicting and contrasting energies of different people.”

R: “Where do you see your sound headed in the next few years?”

J: “Well, we've all gotten a lot better at our instruments. That helps with songwriting. S's been working with I on this mind-control stuff..”

R: “Mind control?”

J: “Well, more like sublimation at this point. They've been reading about this band back in the 60's or 70's that would play a jam based on a word, like, apple, for example, without telling the audience what the word was. Then they'd ask the audience what the music made them think or feel. They recorded their failures in and successes in communicating the words and compiled a book.. We haven't gotten anywhere near that far, though. We just play as hard as possible.”

R: “What do you plan to accomplish with those kinds of tacTCIs?”

J: “I don't know. I never know what we'll end up doing. We just make the music and hope it causes some kind or raucous, chaoTCI joy.”

R: “Thanks for your time, J.”

J: “Thank you.”
my friends and i at the Hilly House Collective ( art/music/writing/whatever at - extremely barebones right now, just getting started ) were wondering if we could use your image this house is in the middle of beverly hills

for our website. i noticed that the CC liscence mentions "no derivatives." we would be making minimal alterations (mostly size, probably,) using it primarily as logo-space. we really like this photo and would give you credit and all that nice stuff.

-ross of hilly house collective






Google the Google

(18:39:06) r: whats' up honkey
(18:39:31) r: i was warned of your a mysterious man
(18:40:00) G: do you know about file sharing on gmail?
(18:40:23) r: big a file we talkin?
(18:40:30) G: songs
(18:41:02) G: an account on gmail for sharing songs?
(18:41:13) r: you can attach a file under 10MB
(18:41:18) r: anything over that, it doesn't like
(18:41:35) G: are there like groups that share files?
(18:42:00) r: yeah there's google groups
(18:42:05) r: i'm pretty sure people share files on there
(18:42:12) G: how do i search them?
(18:42:22) r: i don't know
(18:42:23) r: google it
(18:42:24) r: ;)
(18:42:49) G: interesting
(18:43:00) G: and where do i find this "google"