One thing I've enjoyed is spending time with Alex again..We had an excellent conversation the other night about life that really changed the way I look at things while still remaining flexible. I create my own Agnostic path, using parts of different religions and looking at things differently each day. However, in addition to this style, there was a different part, a feeling of helplessness to the world changing. I obsess and give in to compulsiveness because I want a world that makes sense, and creating one in my own head provides a quick 'fix' to a world that doesn't seem to make any sense and changes without any meaning. Creating rules to adhere to is exhausting and painful. As I was speaking to A, while he told me about different ways of looking at the world that were just as flexible while providing *some* sort of foundation, I realized that my way is not only flexible but is painful for me because of its instability. He explained that in a way of looking in the world that has some foundation, some predictability and rules, actually may provide more room for emotion and creativity because it doesn't make you feel psychotic or helpless against the world, pit against a world that does not understand and changes constantly.
So, I have not 'switched' completely, becuase that's not how I work, but I definitely see the advantages of finding some basic order of things..not in a Religious way, but like how the Big Bang started things off and now we are in a heavily abstracted era from that initial creative burst, but the world still adheres to certain rules, which is why we can have language and music, that deep structure that we are a part of. I think of the musical instrument as aperfect example of this; there are a limited number of frets and strings, but the permutations allowed are limitless within these limitations..So the limitations are actually helpful. I could die at any moment, and I will die someday, but the key is to be aware of this and then live life to its fullest rather than live in fear of a world that doesn't seem to adhere to any rules at all. It is possible to embrace limitless possibilities without living in fear of them. The way I've lived, like I'm floating in space with no control over anything, creating my own control inside my own mind that could change based on temporary emotional states, creating my own 'Universe' with its own rules, I may always live like this to an extent because of the way I'm wired but to move away from being restricted by those rules and those impulses and compulsions is great. So what Alex told me about was not completely new to me, it's something that I've been moving towards on my own, he just put it into words very well. And of course I still disagree with him on certain issues, but hey, we're